saying goodbye

i'm sitting here writing when i should be laying in bed trying to fall asleep.
but my mind is racing and i cannot settle... so i thought i'd write.
tonight we lost an amazing woman in the world.
tonight we lost big m's grandma r.
she passed in the 21st hour of this day.
she let go and went to be with her savior, Jesus... and to be reunited with her husband again.

my mother in law told me she always thought her mom would pass in the springtime.
how it was just fitting for her.
oh grandma!
what a special lady she was.
i'm at a loss thinking that she is actually gone.
i've known her for only a short 15 years (since m and i have been together) and yet she's affected me so much.
she's a rock.
and not just any rock... but a rock that has suffered...
lived...
loved...
prayed hard...
and moved in this life with such grace and spirit that one cannot ignore the impact she's left behind.

she was a prayer warrior!
praying for everyone in her family.
she birthed 9 babies.
and almost all of those children have birthed more.
and more... and more.
it's a full and blessed family.
not without scars... not without heartache.
no.
but through it all, through the good and bad, she clung to her heavenly father.

she kept Him central in her life.
what an amazing witness she's been, unknowingly to all around her.
what i'll remember most is her gentle personality.
so sweet... so genuine.
she cared about you... everything about you.
and if you told her things, you knew she would be praying for you.
no judgement from her.
just love.
acceptance.
her kind eyes looked into yours and you felt her love.
she was wise and i appreciated her words of encouragement.
i received a special card from her over 10 years ago after we had our miscarriage.
she shared with me a tiny snippet of her crocheting work that she was doing for our baby.
she wrote in that card:

"we will just wait upon God for your next sweet little one.  
i started crocheting and i'll just keep on.  
faith lets God do it all.  
have patience and let your soul wait upon God and God alone to do the miracles that need to be done and surely he will send you another miracle."

what amazing wisdom she had!
at the time i couldn't understand her words.
and honestly, i felt like our heartache wasn't really being recognized.
now, in hindsight, i can see that she knew God's plan was best.
she too had lost a baby but she knew the truth that God was constant.
He had it all under control.
she knew what was to be.
our heartache and sorrow would be turned into joy.
we did have another baby... and two more afterward.

and she was able to see them all... and love on them all too!
what a special gift!
i am so thankful to have met her.
i'm so incredibly thankful my girls were able to meet her many times too.
her legacy of love, laughter, ice cream (she LOVED it!), faith, courage and strength will live on!

(see? her love of ice cream HAS been passed down!!!)

and now she is where she has so desperately wanted to be!
she's in heaven!
what was once a dream for her... is now reality!
and we have hope that one day we will see her again.

those that were acquainted with her personally know that she loved to cut out verses and poems to paste in her cards.

in that same card that she wrote a decade ago was this little poem:

"waiting! yes, trustfully waiting, i know, though i've waited long, 

that, while He withholds His purpose, His waiting cannot be wrong."

what a fitting reminder to what she's endured the past few months.
losing her husband of 60+ years in january, battling cancer, physical pain and loneliness and the ache of wanting to go to heaven.
after all the waiting, she's finally made it.
we will be reunited with her again too.
for now, we will live life with faith and perseverance, just like she did...
knowing that our prize in heaven awaits us at the end too.
we'll miss you grandma!!
love you forever!

running woes

so i've been down the past few weeks.
i've not been able to run for almost 4 weeks because of knee pain/issues.
i'm trying not to make a big deal of it because i know people have so much more on their plates.
but it's been a real struggle.
i guess i didn't know how much running meant to me and my mental well being until it was taken away.
i've been to physio for a few weeks now.
they originally thought it was my IT band.
i've had issues with it before, and it is a common running injury/pain.
but with work on it, it wasn't getting any better.
so today they reassessed and now they're thinking its my meniscus.
it is not a tear or anything that severe... but it's been aggravated.
i'm not sure why some people are more prone to this type of injury...
but yay me... i'm one of these people. (note the sarcasm)

so for now, i have to stay off it.
this is really frustrating.
i was training for a half marathon that's taking place this sunday, may 5th.
i will now consider my race fees a donation to the cause.
at least i get a tshirt out of the deal?
don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
who wears tshirts for races you've not completed... or even attended?
sort of embarrassing.
maybe it'll be my new paint shirt.
being in this place is hard.
i know that God is teaching me something in the process.
i'm sure of it.
but right now i just have pain and frustration.
and i'm just trying to deal with it.

driving home from my appointment today an old worship song popped into my head.
i haven't thought of this song in years...
but i know that God was bringing it to me at this moment.

I cry out,
For Your hand of mercy to heal me.
I am weak,
I need Your love to free me.
Oh, Lord, my Rock,
My strength in weakness,
Come rescue me, oh Lord.

You are my hope,
Your promise never fails me.
And my desire is to follow You forever.

For You are good,
For You are good,
For You are good to me
For You are good,
For You are good,
For You are good to me

i sat in my car and cried.
God is so good to me.
and knowing that this is His plan, gives me peace.
it may not be what i want right now, but i put my hope in Him.
He still loves me.
nothing has changed... and maybe it's not my knee that needs healing.
i'm pretty sure He's just using my knee pain to get through to other areas of my life.
"yes, God... i am realizing this.", i say to Him.
and i am trying to listen and obey.
this is something i teach my kids... and something that i need lots of extra help in.

i want to do things my way.
i just want to get things done.
i'm a planner... an organizer (sometimes chaotic organizer?? doing a million things at once)... and a helper.
i just want to do.
you know... what do i need to do to make this better?
there isn't always an easy answer and this is hard for my heart and mind to process.
but i'm learning.
and regardless of how i'm doing...
i know He is always good to me.

the beach

"At the beach, 

life is different. 

Time doesn't move hour to hour 

but mood to moment. 

We live by the currents, 

plan by the tides and 

follow the sun."

-Unknown.

all photos taken at crystal cove state park in california.

hola amigas!

do you like how i used the feminine form of friend in spanish...
i wrote that because i'm almost positive that there's no men but my husband that read here, right?
so i should say... hola amigas... and hola marido (husband).
you know, i did take spanish class in college.
and that was the perfect segway into this post...
it's a post to let you know a little bit more about me.
so here goes nothing:

//my favorite candy flavor is always grape... but i actually don't really like real grapes.
these are my ultimate number one sugary, sour candy choice.

//i lived in germany for 3 months when i was in high school.
while there, i gained about 20-25 lbs eating fresh bread and pastries almost every day.
i came back and people didn't recognize me.
including my own boyfriend (clearly these were the days before email and emailing pictures).
they had to do a double take.
i literally left as a child and came back a woman, if you know what i mean.
very obviously... these are the before germany pictures.
as you can see, this is the child body i left canada with:

and these are the end of germany trip pictures.
these two pictures were taken within the last couple of weeks before i left.
can you even recognize me?
i'm a little, ahem... rounder, should we say?
that's me, smack dab in the middle of the group shot with the 'faded in all the wrong places' jeans.
and plaid pants were not a good idea.
but i was extremely excited about shopping at H&M at the time.

this next picture makes me laugh.
that's me in the middle of a bunch of my friends at the airport the day i arrived back home.

most of them are scared of me, it looks like, and taking a giant step backward.

it's like they're nervous of my extra poundage or something.

even my then boyfriend is looking awkward there in the plaid shirt and cap.

like he's saying, "yeah, umm... so about your new look."

//my parents totally spoiled me and got me special treats and toys for random holidays (besides christmas) when i was little.
clearly i was a bit of a brat because for valentine's day when i was 7, i received a popple.
remember those guys?
anyway, i was NOT happy to receive one because what i really wanted was a cabbage patch preemie.
i think when i was on my own i even cried and threw my popple across the bedroom.
i'm laughing and cringing while reminiscing about that!
i'm glad i've grown up a LOT since then.
remembering this, gives me hope that even when my kids are acting spoiled that they won't always be brats the rest of their lives.
oh, by the way, i still have that popple... and the preemie, that i got about 10 months later at christmas.

can you still see the love i have for marielle crystal?
this is where my fascination with babies began.

//when i was a child i preferred to watch the advertisements to the tv programs.
i absolutely loved commercials!
i even wrote advertisements for a radio station in my early 20's as a job.
but tv commercials were still my first love.
this was one of my favorites as a child. (yes, i had the waterfall playset. do you have to ask?)
this one is more current and makes me cry. every. single. time.
and this is the newest one that makes me almost pee my pants.
so, as you can see, my love really hasn't died.
i just don't watch them as much now because of the PVR era.
sigh... those days are just gone... unless i happen to watch tv with the girls and catch a glimpse of the kiddie commercials again.

//my favorite yogurt is coconut greek yogurt.

//i was 16 the first time i went camping.
it was with my youth group from church and i hated it.
we slept in tents, in the cold and some wild animal (a fox?) stole one of my shoes during the night.
when i married big m, he told me he hoped we'd camp when we had kids one day.
i snickered and said, "yeah right!"
and now i'm a camping woman... and i love it.
but it's also, of course, because we 'camp' in a trailer, not in a tent.

//i love dip, i love barbecue sauce, i love fancy mustards, i love gravy.
i like all sauce.
i do not like anything plain when i eat it.
it usually has to be drenched in some kind of saucy goodness.

//i was browsing some blogs the other day and saw this picture:

via

i got all excited when i noticed the sweet clogs on her feet.

i was thrilled because i owned an almost exact replica pair...

i wore them day in and day out in grade 10.

no lie.

i scrounged my basement (i'm a bit of a hoarder but i'm getting better) and after a while...

i realized i must have parted with them a few years prior.

i could cry.

there's a reason my mother has saved so much stuff from over the years.

it's true what they say... things generally come back into fashion.

sigh... i wish i still had my sweet wooden aldo clogs.

they even had a cute burn stamp of a flower on the side.

sniff... sniff.

//i'm a birth doula and have been since 2005.
i am certified through DONA, doulas of north america, which is the premier worldwide doula association.
i love the work and the vision behind the job.
i absolutely love watching the every day miracle of birth and seeing my clients achieve their goals.
watching a baby being born never gets old.
it's fascinating and amazing and so fresh, each and every time.
and i'm so excited that my next client is a dear friend.
i can't wait to support her and her husband!!

that's it for now... mi amigas!
maybe you learned something new about me... maybe not.
but there you go... randomness.
you know, the stuff i'm really good at!

dance like no one's watching!

we had a crazy dance weekend.
yes... i'm a dance mom.
not the crazy, have your own TLC reality show, kinda dance mom.
or worse yet... slice tv reality show.
just the "i have three daughters and they're all in dance" kinda dance mom.
and it's great... it really is!
i love to watch them dance.
it's one of my greatest joys!
i'm so proud of them when i get to see them perform.
and this weekend was no exception.
it was the recital for the littlest two.
it's too bad not all 3 got to dance in the same recital but that's the way it is.
big k will have her recital at the end of may.
anyway, saturday was all about baby h... with her very first dance recital.
and little k... her first recital with 2 separate dances, one ballet and one tap.
the day, which started at 8:30 when we left our house and ended at 6:30 when we got home, wasn't without it's share of meltdowns, tears, a bit of yelling, frenzied rushing and sweat (me, not them).
but, all in all, it was worth it to see their beautiful faces smiling on stage and their little toes twirling!
i am a dance mom... yes, i am.
and maybe, just maybe, i'm a little more like those reality tv mamas than i care to admit.
enjoy a few shots from the day!
driving into the city... she was SO pumped that it was finally recital day.

dress rehearsal... before makeup and 'done up' hair.

 again, dress rehearsal.

 make up done... smiling big!!!!

 proud dance mamas... at their finest!!

shut the front door!!!!
can you even take the cuteness??

the fake smiles are starting to make their way out by this time... clearly.

performance time!!!
all done up!

my sweet grandma came to watch her little great grand daughters dance too.
oh boy, do they love her!
it's so very special to have her there too.

we are so proud of these girlies and so happy they've found something they love to do.
we will keep encouraging them to do it if they love it.
yes, these days are stressful and nuts but they're also so lovely and full of so many special moments.
capturing just a few of those instances is worth it.
great job girlies!
keep dancing like no one's watching!
your mama loves you!